Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I put the h in mysterious.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease