How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.