I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.