Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.