my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I had to Stop for this
*seductively eats two tums*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Gemma Correll