Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
“What movie?” 🤔
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.