If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday