Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
You Might Also Like
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me