My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
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ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
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ME: finally a program for me
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Trying