I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
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The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel