My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.