“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂