I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
A short story of betrayal:
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never