[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’