Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
6: are snakes just neck?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.