Herpes is trending, good job people
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I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
How it started: How it’s going:
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*