“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Previously On Persistence 😎
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
how to have an accident 101
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I think I’m having a stroke
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate