Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
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Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Single and childfree like Jesus
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign