911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
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Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Sing it!
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.