Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”