“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
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this has to be peak English
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father