My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
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the answer was staring at me all along
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I think I’m having a stroke
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
#Caturday
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…