*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan