Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?