Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.