I saw nothing
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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
worst…sale…ever
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now