Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”