We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
You Might Also Like
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.