[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
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Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.