How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.