BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
How do you like your Corgi?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY