ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.