This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.