Seems a bit forward
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Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
how high up are we talkin’?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then