My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.