Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Shoo shoo! 😂
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.