Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
You Might Also Like
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.