ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
incredible book dedication
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*