I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
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Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.