Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
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It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
This checks out
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I bet
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.