MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
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The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
You deplete me
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala