if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
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Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?