I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
You Might Also Like
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.