the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
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I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired