“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.