Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
You Might Also Like
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.