Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
stop
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible