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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist