I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
This fish is cracking me up
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs