Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
You Might Also Like
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
is this how new cars are made??
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho